Madeeha Damoun

Mastering Co-Regulation

 Have you ever been in a situation where your child had a crying episode, and you tried everything you could to calm them down, only to realize it was not working?

Trying to calm a child’s big emotions can be frustrating! You try to comfort the child, validate their feelings, and use every trick you learned, but the crying and anger still persist.

Does this ring a bell?

No matter what you offer, your child is still upset, the tantrum continues, and you’re left thinking, “Am I doing this right?”

Let me tell you, you’re not alone in this!!

This is where co-regulation comes into play. Let’s explore this idea of co-regulation and understand why our efforts sometimes seem to fail. First, What does it mean to say, “It’s not working?”

If we expect our child to stop crying or expressing frustration immediately and act on what we say, we might need to reconsider our goal. Co-regulation is not about shutting down our emotions; it’s about holding a safe space for those big feelings, even when they’re very loud and messy.

Relatively, ‘working’ salutes the definition. Co-regulation is not the elimination of emotional expression in a child. A nurturing environment is fostered where emotional regulation is a priority for the other caregivers, even when the child is at their worst. From this perspective, we would think that if cooperation is all about ending their tears, then there is something nagging in the assumption.

Let me illustrate a personal experience.

 

Real-Life Co-Regulation Scenario

Last week at the park, my child and their cousin had a meltdown over who got the next turn on the swings. I immediately switched into co-regulation mode, acknowledging their feelings, offering empathy and providing support, just like I had read in books or seen my mentors do

Yet, nothing changed—they kept crying, shouting, and arguing. I was really overwhelmed and found myself really lost.

Does this Sound familiar to you?

Later, after reflecting, I realized that I was not fully present at that moment. I understood that I was busy thinking I was trying to fix the situation.

I asked myself, “Was I truly feeling their emotions with them, or was I just going through the motions?”

Co-regulation isn’t just about what we say; it’s about being genuinely present and attuned to our child’s emotional state. I know it’s easier said than done!

My emotional state. In co-regulation, we, the caregivers, need to be emotionally available to the persons with whom we interact. Was I feeling their feelings, or was it just a busy day, and I needed to endure and end it?

 

How to Improve Co-Regulation Skills

 Acknowledge Without Fixing: For most people, getting hurt is always the most unpleasant part of their experience, so many would try to find out how to fix this “horrible mistake”,

And here’s where things get tricky: sometimes, in our attempt to help, we rush into offering solutions or explanations when all they need is for us to sit with their feelings. Jane Nelson from Positive Discipline provides a helpful reminder: try using phrases like,

“You’re feeling __ because __, and you wish __.”

These simple words can work wonders in making your child feel heard.

 

Eliminate “But” Statements Wherever Possible: We all have this terrible habit of following an assertion with ‘but,’ and especially with children, it can be very frustrating to hear, as in

“I understand that you are angry, but you will have your chance to play in a moment.”

Change your understanding of “but.” Acknowledge their feelings and allow them to feel them.

That little “but” can invalidate their emotions, making it seem like their feelings aren’t worth full attention.

 

Ensure Self-Regulation At All Times: It is important to note that co-regulation begins with you. If you are anxious, annoyed, or hurried in any way, your children will pick it up. Attending to your emotions first and taking a deep breath is appropriate. Children are highly tuned in to our energy and will reflect it back to us.

 

The Long-Term Impact of Co-Regulation

The truth is that successful co-regulation takes practice. It always asks us to slow down, listen more deeply, and hold off on problem-solving for a bit longer. Next time your child has an emotional outburst, whether at the park, at home, or in class, take a deep breath and remember: it’s okay for emotions to be messy.

Co-regulation is a journey, not a quick fix.

 What we teach children as we co-regulate with them regularly is very valuable in terms of emotional intelligence and resilience. It lays a foundation for their ability to maintain their emotions independently as they develop.

 As parents, educators, and caregivers, we always want to raise emotionally strong and resilient children. Co-regulation also enables us to do that by allowing us to be present with our children’s emotions and also helping them in the process.

 

Key Takeaways for Parents, Teachers, and Caregivers

 

Be Present: The idea of co-regulation is to avoid getting into the issue and try to resolve it. Instead, it is to sit with and be with the child’s emotions.

 Model Calmness: Your calm response helps children learn to self-regulate their emotions.

 Breathe and Wait: Indeed, It is true that emotional outbursts will not stop right away, but if a parent is consistent over time, then the child will feel more understood, and the explosions will decrease in frequency and possibly intensity.

 

Thus, the next time you are on the playground, at home, or in a classroom and your emotions run high, pause for a minute, purposely slow down, breath, and place yourself in a position where it is helpful to concentrate on your child. Remember—you are helping these children acquire lifelong emotional skills. Together, we can nurture emotionally intelligent, resilient children, one moment at a time.