My Journey through Stillbirth and Loss:

Transforming through Life’s Challenges

Life can surprise us with unexpected challenges that completely change who we are. As we grow from carefree youngsters to mature adults, we experience things that shape us, change how we think, and leave lasting impressions.

Becoming a mother brought significant changes to my life, especially when faced with heartbreaking losses. Today, I want to share my personal story of dealing with grief after a stillbirth. My hope is that by sharing my emotions and journey, I can bring comfort and support to others who may be going through similar situations.

When I found out I was going to be a mom at a young age, I was filled with a mix of emotions. I felt nervous, happy, scared, and excited all at once. Little did I know that this journey would change me in ways I couldn’t even imagine.

Travel, marriage, and other losses had already made their mark on me, but it was the experience of becoming a mother that would redefine who I was.

Unfortunately, life doesn’t always unfold as we hope. Our journey took a heartbreaking turn when we received the devastating news that our precious baby no longer had a heartbeat. The term “stillborn” suddenly became a harsh reality, and my world shattered into a million pieces. The pain was unbearable, and as I prepared for the procedure, tears streamed down my face, leaving me feeling broken and lost.

The Unbearable Loss:

To this day, I am unsure how I survived that long? They induced me in the evening and I was curled up in pain all night crying hysterically. My head was aching and I could hardly see from those swollen eyes. Nothing could comfort me but I was still calling my family and friends about what had happened. My mom couldn’t come as well and I think she didn’t even know what actually I was going through at that time. As i can only think of her saying on the phone “it’s okay you are fine. don’t cry and take care of yourself. You are lucky nothing happened to you.”

Anyhow, I had procedure prepared at 10 am but because of the pain and my health condition, they decided to do it at 7 am. Before that procedure, we had to go through things we could barely comprehend. The nurse asked my husband “do you want to hold your baby after he is born?” and “do you want to bury him?” And my husband’s first reaction was, of course, we want the doctor to deliver him and take him away. I can still remember the thought of seeing his face made me feel to die. The nurse wheeled me away to the cold surgery room and all I could remember is tears rolling down my cheeks before that anesthesia. When I woke up all I can feel is pain from the procedure and a broken heart and shattered dreams. The death of our first unborn baby is one of the most painful things that can happen to us as a family. You may never really get over your baby’s death. But you can walk through your grief to healing. As time flies, your pain ease

Navigating the Depths of Grief:

The days that came after the stillbirth were filled with a haze of pain both physically and emotionally. It was a pain that gripped not only my heart, but my entire being. Every decision, no matter how small, felt overwhelming and confusing. Grief consumed me, making it hard to remember even the simplest things. Being away from family and friends in a foreign land added an additional layer of difficulty to my healing journey. Loneliness crept in, and the need to talk about my baby’s death grew stronger, even though no one seemed to understand.

The Unintentional Hurt:

During this time of vulnerability, the attempts of others to console me, though well-intentioned, often missed the mark and intensified my pain. Words like “It’s all part of God’s plan” or “Maybe it wasn’t meant to be” struck deep, unintentionally adding to my already immense sorrow. I felt alone, as if nobody could truly comprehend the magnitude of my loss. Putting on a brave face for the world outside became a routine, while inside, my heart continued to be consumed by a storm of emotions.

I thought I had no one to talk to who had been in my shoes, I thought I just had to get over it, put it behind me (easy to say than done) and move on. So to the outside world, that’s what I did!

A Fragile Hope:

Few months after the loss of our baby we found out we were pregnant again. Thank God. I couldn’t handle it. We were so happy, yet so scared at the same time. But due to unknown reason, we lost this baby in our early pregnancy. The world seems to end! Nothing felt right.

Nearly a year after the miscarriage, hope flickered back into our lives when we discovered another pregnancy. tragedy struck once more, and the heartbeat we longed to hear was absent. they turned to me and said the words I would never forget all my life “I’m sorry there isn’t a heartbeat…” Those words still haunt me… Many people ask what happened. What went wrong? The truth is nothing. So many tests were done, tests on me, on my husband, few of the samples were sent to Germany. The tests and investigations yielded no answers, leaving us bewildered and desperate for closure. He died and we have no apparent reason or idea why?

Why me? I was living in a nightmare for sure!

Living in a perpetual nightmare, I felt like a shell of my former self.

However, the presence of my mother during this dark period provided a ray of hope. Her comforting words and  support played a vital role in my healing process.

After three months, a ray of hope graced my life once again as I discovered I was pregnant with precious twins. Alhamdulillah, their presence became my very purpose for living. They filled my world with boundless love and joy. Witnessing their existence made me believe in the extraordinary power of miracles. (I will share the story of my pregnancy in due time, for it deserves its own special moment.)

A Journey of Resilience:

In the face of immense pain and loss, I discovered a strength I never knew I possessed. I began to cherish my children, my reason to carry on, and embraced every precious moment spent with them. Through the hardships, I found solace in the belief that my higher power had chosen me for a reason. I learned not to take life for granted and to appreciate every breath I take. Most importantly, I discovered the power of sharing my story, of reaching out to others who may feel alone and lost.

The journey through stillbirth and loss is an agonizing one.