Madeeha Damoun

Useful Suggestions for Parents

Let’s be honest: handling your child’s anger can be overwhelming. You must have attempted every single trick in the childrearing books, like the time out, the count to ten, deep breathing, or even just removing oneself to reduce the chances of those situations escalating. You’ve probably noticed that these tactics don’t always work in real life, as explained in the parenting videos and books, and can even worsen the situation.

Do you feel like this is your story and are frustrated, thinking, “What is wrong with this… why it is not working?”

Do not worry; I understand you are not the only one in this situation.

Let us now understand why some traditional methods have been ineffective and what you can do instead so that you can assist your child with their emotions effectively. InshaAllah

Why Some Common Anger Management Strategies Fail

Regarding anger management techniques, we all know everyone can take safe approaches, such as withdrawal or countdowns, or simple approaches, such as yelling when one feels overwhelmed ( we have all been there!). However, here’s the explanation of why such patterns of actions do not either work at all:

1. Time-Outs: They Can Feel Like Rejection.

When parents place children in their room for a ‘stress relief’ time-out cool down in what seems a justified action, but for your child this seems like rejection when some children need it the most.

These may not assist them in regaining their temper. Individually, such treatment might foster feelings of neglect and loneliness, which do not help lessen their anger anyway.

Instead of helping them calm down, it might make them feel abandoned, as if no one cares for them, which only adds to their frustration. Sometimes, all they need is to feel understood, not isolated. I know this because it never worked with my eldest son.

2. Walking Away: Missing an Opportunity to Connect

When tempers are flaring, walking away might help *us* keep our cool. but sometimes for our child, it might feel like we are turning our back on them in their time of need. children always look to us for guidance, and when we’re not there to help them process those big, scary feelings, they can feel anxious or insecure. trust me ,It’s not always easy, but sticking with them through the storm can help them learn to navigate it.

3. Deep Breaths: Not Always the Calming Fix We Hope For

You’ve probably told your child to “take deep breaths” more times than you can count. However, for some kids, especially those who tend to be anxious, focusing on their breathing can make them more agitated. Instead of calming them down, it might just ramp up their frustration. So, what’s the alternative? Sometimes, just a simple distraction or helping them name their feelings works better than counting breaths.

4. Staying Calm

Staying calm during a tantrum is something we can all agree is important. Still, as most of us have experienced, it is a challenging thing to do. At that time, your child is in total meltdown mode, and there is no use in rationalizing when their heads are far out and out of reach. Your calm and logical words may not even be heard at all. It can be like, somehow, such a version is entirely in another unsupported dialect.
This doesn’t mean you should lose your cool, but remember that reasoning with them might need to wait until after the storm has passed.

5. Yelling: It Grabs Their Attention at Once but Hurts in The Long Run

Let’s face it!

Yelling might look very tempting and definitely a quick fix, especially in situations when we’ve tried everything else. And yes, it might get our child’s attention immediately.

However, research shows that yelling can have long-term negative effects, contributing to anxiety, low self-esteem, and even depression later in life; if you have taken my live webinar on yelling, you know I covered all that in detail over there.

More than that, it doesn’t actually teach them how to manage their feelings. It’s like putting a band-aid on a deeper issue.

So, What Works?

If the old methods aren’t working, what do you have to do? Two fundamental yet effective strategies can change the game: helping people spend time in nature and emotion coaching.

1. Nature: The Simple Cure for Big Emotions

There is a certain magic in nature, SubhanAllah, that calms the mind and works wonders for children and adults equally. I have tried it, and it works for all my children.

Research indicates that kids playing more outside will also promote more creativity, improve their attention span, and train them to control their feelings better.

It is also associated with a lower diagnosis of ADHD and even better overall health. The next time your child expresses a great deal of rage, take him or her for a round of walks or outside play. It does happen; try getting a little fresh air.

When I used to work in one of the schools as an educator, I tried it with my students, and it always provided me with the optimum results.

2. Emotion Coaching: Understanding Emotions As a Process

If your kid is anxious and resorts to the usual ‘calm down’ approach, one way to get past them is to guide the children in recognizing their feelings. It’s better to say something like, “I can see you are really upset because…” and it makes a lot of sense. If a child thinks that someone understands their emotions, they won’t be prone to aggressive behavior.

Emotion coaching helps in the present situation and promote emotional development, a skill they will utilize throughout their lives. Just think about how happier we all become after being annoyed if someone says, ‘It’s okay to be angry.’

Other Strategies to Consider

1. Mindfulness: Teaching Your Child to Control Their Emotions

Mindfulness isn’t just for adults. Simple techniques like guided imagery or progressive muscle relaxation can help kids learn to regulate their emotions over time. These tools are great for helping children calm themselves down when they verystart to feel overwhelmed.

2. Connect First, Then Correct

Connection is key: engaging your child before punishing them or trying to amend their behavior, kneeling down closer to their height, using a soft tone and speech, or hugging them only if they are open to it. When kids feel connected, they will
a) calm down and
b) work better to control their emotions.

4. Construct a Calm-Down Space

Establishing a Calm-Down Space at home can benefit your child, especially when they are angry. You can fill it with their favorite toys, reading materials, tasbeeh (prayer beads), a translated Quran, and Seerah books can provide not just emotional peace, but also spiritual guidance. This sacred space encourages your child to connect with their emotions while learning the value of patience, reflection, and inner peace through faith.  This can become a space for them to relax when they have big feelings.

 It is All About Connection

When it comes to tantrum prevention, assisting your child in taking control of their anger is more than just seeking to end the tantrum. This situation calls for a shift in their approach to emotions and how they will be expressed. If you learn to change parenting to understanding connection instead of trying to stop feelings, not only will feelings meltdowns occur less frequently, but also will deepen love with the child.

Helping your child manage their anger is about more than just stopping the tantrum in the moment. It’s about helping them understand and process their emotions so that they can handle them better in the future. By focusing on connection and understanding, rather than just controlling the behavior, you can reduce the number of meltdowns and strengthen your relationship with your child.

These small shifts in approach can make a big difference, leading to a calmer, more peaceful home life for everyone.

You may also find additional helpful information on how to care for children and how to raise emotionally healthy children from MadeehaDamoun.com, a reliable source on child-rearing matters.